On asking "Why"

Tonight, even as I lay here trying to sleep, I am kept awake with so many questions of 'Why?'

"Why would God allow...", "How can God...", "Why doesn't God...", and the list goes on and on with things I simply cannot process. Even as my mind attempts to explain grief, anger, and hurt, I feel compelled to finally write again from my journey. One of the emails I wrote to mom spoke volumes to me and jerked me, rather violently, into the awareness of my own inability to reason everything. I still remember, almost exactly two years later, where I was the night I had my own wrestling with God. With stark clarity I remember asking the question "good Christians" aren't "supposed" to ask. I am including two emails I sent to Mom:  the first is the email right before she left the hospital the first time and the second is from after she was re-admitted. In the second email are my ramblings after my wrestling. As has been the case since the writing of these emails, again tonight I am reminded of God's perfect timing.

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9/10/08

"Mom,

I hope today is going well and that you have a wonderful day!

The verse for the day is from Philippians 4:4-7:  'Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again:  Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends understanding, will guard your heart and your mind in Christ Jesus.'

It seems to me this verse looks past the current situation. Our rejoicing is not to be based on any event, but is to be focused on the eternal, everlasting Lord. What comfort it is that He is near even when we are frustrated with our now! And a peace that we can't understand?! What a God!

Love you more,
Andi :)"

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One month after writing that letter, Mom was facing another admission into the hospital because the kidney was not functioning. I was having an incredibly tough time with it. The doctors told us the kidney could not have been a better match, things were "supposed" to be levelling out with Mom's illnesses, etc. This was "supposed" to fix things! I could not understand it. In my mind here God was bringing Mom right to the brink of success, right to the edge of healthy, and leaving her stranded. I took it as a personal affront that He would do such a thing to a person like my mom. Talk about arrogant, right?! As I think back on it my rationale must have been, 'Hasn't she been through enough?' Sure, I talked a good game to people (you know the 'We're fine, Praise the Lord' game?) but let me tell you, it was a struggle. Finally, one Sunday night on the way home from visiting in Fort Worth, dad, sis and I were discussing the situation. I finally gave voice to my pain and just spewed my anger and frustration out loud at God. I wanted to know all the "Why" answers because it just wasn't making sense to me. After that struggle and release I was struck by another time this happened. I wrote about it to Mom:

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10/10/08

"Mom,-

I realized in my effort to make sure people sent emails and stayed updated, I haven't emailed you at all. What a goober I am! Today's thought is a bit more difficult but hopefully you'll understand and feel comfort. I'm thinking about when Jesus was in the Garden and was praying. He knew what the consequences were for what was happening to him. He knew things were going to be bad. I think it's interesting that although he knew the end result, he still asked God to remove the burden from him. It seems to me in his despair and human-ness, he cried out to the all-powerful God. He also asked that he remain in God's will. I thinking that God must have been heartsick over Jesus's prayer but remained steadfast in his love for his Son. The comfort I find is that as much as he loved Jesus, we are covered by that blood and He loves us. He's big enough to handle times when we don't get it and demand an answer. Then He loves us through great pain and great success! What grace! What a God!

Andi"

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Even in the midst of great trouble, great saddness, and overwhelming despair, one thing I hope to remember is that God truly knows the depths to which we can fall. Jesus continued to follow the will of his Father even when it cost him His life. God turned his back on his Son because of the love He had and still has for me. He understands when I question him, He understands when I feel alone and forgotten, and He is there to travel the journey with me and with you. The God of all comfort can give comfort because He understands the pain. His shoulders are big enough to handle our hurts, our tears, and our "why". We just have to remember to turn to Him for our comfort.